Love doesn't conquer death (gay)

What happened to me in a week needs two weeks to tell and three to write it down, but I have some minutes before they take effect. My name is Alfredo, always try to find sense in things and especially in the human mind because that's why I'm studying psychology, within what I study I look for the why of behaviors, the truth of dreams (in sleep or wakefulness) and above all what makes a person unable to answer with an explanation. This last one sounds rare and difficult but I'm trying to eliminate the whys and the not-whys, started with me and tried to see if I could do it with other people, friends and relatives. My friend and brother, not by blood but by bone, is a man who has the same age as we've known each other since 6 years old and makes 7 years that I realized I'm in love with him.

Then there's a struggle between morality and desire, because love overflows inside me. Never said it but I think he knows part of it and it will sound stupid if I say even more than once touched him while sleeping and he pretended to be asleep. But that's not talked about, that's the code.

On Monday of the famous week, I went to eat at his house, we ate well and had too much to drink, and for dessert a fight, until then nothing out of the ordinary but in the moment of laughter without anesthesia I told him how I felt, he stayed silent for a while and after three minutes answered me saying I like women, you're my friend and are you messing with me?, I explained that not and said it again and also explained that this had been inside me for many years and as expected he didn't like it much and simply I was like if a tragedy had come to knock on my door, even crying like I used to before telling him. And I thought what I studied didn't make sense, that I had opened my mouth without thinking and since I fell in love why, he rejected me because of no. My theory, my life, my ideology went to hell for opening my mouth. Wednesday he called me and invited me to his house again, the same routine as always, and when it was time to talk I persuaded him with a series of promises, that if he didn't want to talk about it or if he didn't like it I would stop, I led him along and convinced him to practice oral sex on me, I knelt down since he was sitting in a living room armchair, took off my yoga pants and his boxer's elastic band, I have to admit that it wasn't the first time I had seen it, but from the first time I never stopped desiring it with a great and rosy head with an 18 cm trunk and large hairless testicles, separated my lips and put my head in my mouth and started my task, I have to recognize that at that moment I wanted to cry out of happiness, it was going to be the last time I would be with my friend, suck, blow, lick that cock that took years to arrive but in those ten minutes it was mine, paused twice to take a breath and kept going while listening to his louder and more frequent moans until his warm semen flooded my mouth, and of course I took it all, it was worth waiting so long I thought with happiness one can feel very few times in life. We said goodbye as always and that night before falling asleep I masturbated thinking about him.

I spoke with him again on Saturday night, we talked for an hour until midnight on Sunday. Between tears I listened to him say he didn't know if he would come back like it was before, and that's how I threw away more than twenty years of friendship over a blow job, I know when someone reads this I'll have already taken the ten pills from the tablet and maybe another ten. I don't find a reason to know why I opened my mouth or why I fell in love, but if it's to leave this world that never gave me what I wanted. The truth... I don't know, I'm sleepy.

The truth, what is the truth? What is the truth?