Letter to Him

This is a text I read in a magazine and it seemed very pleasant to me, I hope you like it:I never thought I'd be addressing you in this way. It's something that was left for us to do. I regret not being able to listen to you more than what I can suppose, what you might feel in the absence of all my own influences. Since childhood, I remember asking if the only function was to pee because girls (at least they told me) had another way with you. You and I know where we're going to end up in this chat, and I hope we can agree for the good of both of us.

I've been remembering since we were little, around 7 or 8 years old, that I would rub against the bed or put something near me to see what it felt like. Now, kids that age seem to have a clearer idea of what should happen with their hormones, even before this occurs.

I always got annoyed when you stuck so much to the pocket, I told you many times it bothered me, and for many years I remember putting on my underwear to put you up there so it wouldn't happen. Sometimes I wonder if that's why, in response to the work you gave me, you stayed petisón as if wanting to show me that gravity was necessary for your normal development. Anyway, even if this madness were true, it's too late now.

That's a topic we all ask ourselves why it happens. I even thought those boys who seemed more secure made their development faster and better, something like if shyness were a substance that slows down growth, and I have to admit that while I always dreamed of being a different type never did much about changing in concrete terms. I thought things would take care of themselves, but at least in my case, it never was. It's more, I don't even remember when our first successful masturbation was. Yes, I remember it was with my brother's magazine in the bathroom at home. The brunette was so beautiful! agreement that surprised me to see how far that white stain had gone, which I didn't even understand how it was. You must be reproaching me for not exercising more with real women back then. Let's say basically that I've always been a coward. But it's not the only thing. Since I was a kid, I always thought what we did was wrong. It's more, that hanging out with girls was something for big people, I don't know where I got that stupidity from. But I thought kisses were something for dudes over 20. Anyway, when that time came, things didn't change much. When I went to dance you'll remember that we never picked up anything. I always felt (and still feel) alien to those places. The chat-up technique is not my thing. And before it was all much worse because you'll remember that I was fat, and complexes were the kings of my actions. Not even did I have balls (I know they belong more to you than to me, no need to remind me) to buy clothes that would make me feel more attractive. Now and before you ask: why didn't I even go with a prostitute? I know you're sick of how I thought back then, depression and all that. But those women always gave me so much pity, who let themselves do anything for need. How was I supposed to justify such trash! It was like buying a stolen stereo, collaborating with theft. Don't you believe me? Of course, you think it's just an excuse. Maybe unconsciously they are. Because even now I never went to one of those places and now I confess that it was out of fear. But fuck you, my word is that that's what I thought. In reality, it's not so far from reality, but the years allowed me to tolerate more of this world's crap that I always wanted to change. When it was my turn for military service, I remember one of my fears was being seen. I was ashamed of you. You're very small and flaccid. And I won't tolerate you telling me to go fuck myself because you know perfectly well that beyond my appearances are complex and in charge of everything in this circus. I really felt bad back then. It was already too obvious that I wasn't a normal type. Weekends had no excuse. I didn't have friends or someone to go out with. Where could I get a positive influence? Someone to do anything with? I was 20 years old, and still didn't know the body of a woman. The monster became enormous for me. I write this, and it feels like if you had seemed more normal I would have been more encouraged to certain experiences. But I must admit that my passivity also didn't help. I don't know, I think I'll always wonder if you behave sanely or if I'm the one who doesn't let you work. Sometimes I want to relax without caring what you do, but I don't see why this would make you move with more freedom. Today, I think we're walking a good path, but sometimes I wonder if it's too late. I don't want to fall into that stupid phrase about recovering lost time. We both have 29 and know our limitations. Maybe in another era we could have taken advantage of those wild hormones and started a smoother path. But this isn't the only topic in life where there are no second chances. Yes, I would like to be certain that the effects of VIAGRA will only be necessary for a time, but we both know the differences well. When I started writing you, I thought I was going to have to complain about more things. But the fiction of giving you an identity served to encourage me to write, in the end, you are Guillermo himself and your behavior is consistent with what I did and didn't do since I've been alive. There's something I want to tell you, and it's that in those little moments of happiness, although not necessarily in your way, you were with me, and without you, they wouldn't have been possible.