Allegory of a Masturbator

Before anything, let's start this monologue with an affirmation that sets the tone for everything I'm about to write. Cortázar used to say that the first lines of a story have to be striking, precise...like a shot in the...well, I never really understood what he meant but...let's go with it then!

Affirmation that will serve as a premise at any moment to justify something illogical:

The masturbator is a kind person, both towards others and himself, and understands the act of touching oneself as he usually says Strangling the zogan as a contribution to humanity's well-being and an exceptional branch of solo amatory art.

Let's think about what I just said...if the masturbator doesn't touch himself because he didn't have internet at work or simply didn't have privacy at home, it invades him with bad humor that makes it hard for him to deal with things...on the other hand, if he can commit the act of masturbation, then after it, you can ask him for his Hotmail password and possibly he'll pass it to you with a face Yeah, everything's fine, pass me the toilet paper.

The deliberate act of a good wank, always stems from the intimacy one has to do so and in this case we have some variables to understand it better:

1- Manuela Complete (Total Privacy)
2- Manuela (Any place but without graphic or film evidence)
3- Manuelita (Idem but for those with a short dick)
4- Manoleta (For people of color...and other species)
5- Manola Express (Tranquil, 120)
6- Manuelita Tight (Mouth under the bed, in case someone comes you make it look like you're sleeping)
7- Manuelota Simple (Also known as quick and furious, lasts only 2 minutes)
8- Manuela Without Palm (Finger tips, dressed in public, this people have many problems)
9- Manuela P! (A touch at night minimizing windows)
10- Manuela Fantastic (No privacy whatsoever, just imagining oneself masturbating) Anyone would say that the ideal thing is to be in a comfortable place, with some motivation so they can entertain their eyes and get rid of the nutria at a moment of the day when we don't have any worries and are totally relaxed...but there are times when reaching that climax is impossible....and you can live through very rough situations, like grandma who enters your room shouting Juanitooooo let me measure your back because I'm knitting you a poncho and finds you kneeling in front of the bed with one hand on the goose and the other flipping through a porn magazine you've had for years, know that everyone in your house knows you have that disgusting magazine that pops up on every page because it's all stuck together...

Or your old man who wants to have a closer relationship with you on Saturday night decides to enter your room without knocking to invite you to a wrestling tournament and you, looking at cats licking and sucking each other on the internet don't make it in time to close an inconvenient pop-up from a page that takes up full screen of your 22-inch monitor and see two guys like Jean Claude Van Damme and Drago (the one from Rocky IV) touching their pectorals with a face like they're about to burst with raw cabbage in the backyard and the title, for your misfortune is in Spanish... The best men...the best amateur queues And you're left looking like an idiot with a face of Old man...if you know I jerk off to cuties...if you know I like football...I'm not going to eat it...please understand!!! and even hint at crying and your old man who doesn't catch on anything, thinks you chose that moment of intimacy to tell him you're gay, without a doubt and no matter how much you didn't want it, he shoots you in the butt and your dad used to see you as a Troglio dressed up.

It's also messed up if your sister, that infernal slut from 18 years old who moved to middle school, is affectionately called Nena de Mamá...Mama here, Mama there...Mama anywhere and doesn't know what long pants are, comes up with... Invite your housemates to your pool on a January Sunday, all your dance class friends or whatever, it means you're going to have a casting for one of those pornos you watch night after night on your computer and they'll hardly let you get close because for them you're just an insect or like your sister refers to you...you're a little guy with legs! You won't have any other chance to see them pass, make yourself good, hook up with someone, but your mission is to be able to touch a tit...you know, it's the opportunity, never were you so close...the one who sees you might admit that you have a tattoo on your forehead that says My modem for a dwarf head and that means a lot to you...the flabby modem....the connection that makes your cock express itself cybernetically and reach levels of masturbation never seen...I remember you once ended up watching a yoga class on the Infinito channel...is there anything sadder? Well...the mission! A tit...and you send yourself to the kitchen where there are two women in tights taking juice, you see them...you listen to them...they're talking about men...it's yours...you think of asking for a favor...no one should know...and when you open the kitchen door like you're about to defuse a bomb in Afghanistan and the two girls run to your arms...you realize that not only is this a movie but also you were wearing a bathing suit without underwear and at the touch they could see the poorly educated bulge you have as a reproductive member...it would be little to say they laughed so hard, they spat out their juice and suddenly pulled out a camera and today you're top of visits on YouTube and your video is called Chizito Rex, the attack of the pigmies. But you didn't get embarrassed because you're a pervert, because you take it and when those cuties recontracagadas with laughter were making fun of you in the curls of your hair...you launched the epic phrase that still remember those whores like the manifesto of a masturbator...turning around and grabbing your cock with desire you shouted...I've got it They're going to ask when I turn 18...if everyone knows that they don't hold me back because they're in prison for child abuse...And do you know what? Nothing's going to get from me!! I'd rather a dolphin give me a blow job than them! Get out of here! From that moment on, you were my hero.