Take off your stockings

Having sex is difficult, always.

When you have a partner, you think: Finally I'll be able to have sex whenever I want! Lie! Stable sexual relationships are a legend. It's hard for her to feel like it and for you to feel like it too, and when you do feel like it, she should know that you feel like it and you should know that she feels like it...

I've become an expert in interpreting these signs out of necessity.

Look: if you're on the sofa and just before bedtime she says:

- I'm going to bed, don't be late. That means: I'm going to sleep without underwear

But if she goes to bed and says:

- I'm going to bed, when you come make sure not to make a noise.

My friend... grab a magazine and jerk off 5 times or go to PornHub.

There are magic words that she usually uses to make her intentions clear...

If after eating she says:

- Do we take a nap? It's clear: yes, it is.

You have to be very attentive to how she dresses when she goes to bed. If she puts on socks and pajamas with pom-poms, she's telling you that she doesn't want anything to do with your pom-poms...

I think people function a bit like mobile phones when it comes to sex: they're supposed to keep us connected all the time, but sometimes you send a message and she's not operational; other times she sends one to you and you end up communicating without her.

If on an ordinary day, like Tuesday, your girl asks you about Zidane out of the blue:

- Hey, how's Zidane doing? - It's clear... she wants you to enter the PIN!

There are more subtle signs too. You have to be very attentive to how she calls you when you get home. If you come in through the door and hear your name three octaves higher than normal (Instead of hearing: Hi Manel, you hear: ¡Hola Maneeeeel!), prepare yourself. It's going to explode. She'll make you feel like in that Jazztel ad: Another... another... another more... The bad thing is that when this happens, you're already at it by the second... You run out of battery.

If when you're getting ready to go out it says: “Help me zip up my zipper?”, it's actually saying: “When will we... also lower it again?” It means she has full coverage.

But be careful, because the moment of zipping her up is very delicate. If you accidentally pinch her, it's all over what was happening. She'll turn around and say: “What are you thinking? What are you closing a suitcase for? You're a beast!” And she'll connect the voicemail box. Now you can call...

The position she takes when she gets into bed is another way to know if she's operational or not operational. If she gets into bed and rolls up like a caterpillar... don't bother, her terminal is off.

But if instead, she throws herself face down and moves her ass like Donald Duck walking... Attention, you have a call waiting!

In any case, with or without phone, the key moment is undoubtedly Saturday. Because on Saturday night, you know it's your turn. And with that illusion, you get into bed. But it can happen that suddenly she turns off the light and says:

- Goodnight.

- What do you mean goodnight? It's Saturday!

You feel like getting up to grab the calendar and say:

- “Look... Look... Tomorrow is red!” – Come on, please... I think they should announce it in the news: “And we're reminding everyone that today is Saturday... Tomorrow is red”.

Instead of grabbing the calendar, most guys just launch Operation Worm: crawling onto her on the bed without realizing it until we're attached. We hug her and start playing with our hand, if we caress her hip, if now we're rubbing it... and start going up and down to see if she reacts. And she does react, yes. Suddenly she gives you a hand job and says:

- This is great! I don't need anything else. – And you're left with the urge. Waiting for the next signal.

You'll have to keep... your antenna out.

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