Tengo miedo [Relato] [No Sexual]

I'm afraid of the pain that makes me hide who I am from the people I love, I feel the need to say reality, to count what's going on in my head, to express myself no matter how painful the consequence may be. I'm afraid of being rejected despite not caring about solitude, I live in love with my beliefs, I live in love with only one person whom I don't dare tell the truth, sometimes I have desires to throw everything away and start over, I never choose who I am today, no matter how hard I try to cover it up behind a public label. I hate not being able to walk hand in hand with a man, with the man I love, despite all they could say to me, I have to hide. I was rejected from the navy two months ago after passing all physical, theoretical, and psychological exams, until that same question my average surpassed the average by much, that proves I am more than just a taste for another of my sex, my answer to that question was clearly real, homosexual, my personal interview turned cold after the same response, everything ended quickly, I received a letter denying me entry into the navy due to supposed deviation in the fifth sacral vertebra. I lived all my life bleeding in silence, I was accused twice by my own family of being homosexual, father from the countryside and mother religious, son of two, brother of many, son of no one, brother of my pain. How can a son tell his parents he's homosexual who grew up seeing his parents criticize homosexuality? I'm afraid to stand in front of them with another man and tell them the truth, although I desire it. I lost respect for my family a long time ago but still conserve the love of a child, that's what prevents me from running, that's what prevents me from crying in front of them. I can't take it anymore, I want to scream, I want to drown in tears and stop suffering. Enough! No more, no more, I can't take it anymore that they judge me, I can't stand being that one who from primary school are looked at strangely only because of being different.

18 years of life, 12 years of suffering, damn the hypocritical mentality of stupid people scared by what they don't know, tell me, what does your god say now? Why was I created?, If I'm just another defect of the little humanist society that surrounds me!

I stopped believing in God after losing the person I loved due to cancer, I stopped believing in God after finding out I couldn't love again, I stopped believing in God when I knew I had fallen in love with the wrong person, I stopped believing in love when two words cut my wrists, blood for months without anyone knowing or even if the blood was real, I base my life on metaphors to value reality a bit more and not kill my soul facing this pathetic hypocrisy.I AM THE BIGGEST ONE THERE IS, NOT EVEN WISE MEN OR OLD PEOPLE, I ACCEPT ADVICE, MY ONLY RIVAL IS THE MIRROR.I don't consider advising to be a right of a person, and less so of one like me; but if I had to do it, I would tell them the following. Amuse yourselves with more fog on the road, we come alone and will leave alone also.