I'm bringing you this exciting tale, I hope you enjoy it.I was sitting doing nothing, really bored
Maybe overwhelmed?
Yes...also
Everything is going wrong for me
Or maybe not everything...the truth is she left me with a bitter taste, making nothing worth it now
And THINKING I'LL TRY TO KILL MYSELF FOR HER
Puff...it's so ridiculously extreme the love sometimes
God...what am I doing now?
I'm sitting on the same bench, watching everyone and not seeing anyone at the same time
Looking at so many people around me and feeling so alone...
It stinks
Really my life stinks
Well...
This park makes me feel like a little anímica
It makes me – for seconds – forget everything and not let myself feel so depressed
I get up, look for my keys...
I hadn't realized I lost them
-and where could they be agg what I was missing – I say annoyed
-are you looking for this? – I hear a delicate, sweet, tender, and very feminine voice speaking to me
I turn around and look at my keys...a moment
Which keys?
Better say I'm looking at the beautiful woman holding them
Brown hair, an angelic face without much makeup, wrapped in a scarf, dark pants, and boots
-ahh yes, thank you – I approach and receive them giving her a smile
-how are you called? – she asks directly – well if I can know it
I laugh timidly...why do I laugh timidly??? Oh God...Manuela wake up, wake up...
-Manuela and you?
-I won't tell you – she responds laughing
-oh this is fine anyway thank you – I turn around ready to leave
-why are you so rude - she stops me with her voice
-I'm not – I give her a face – it's just that today I don't find myself in very good mood, let's say
-You're doing well here, aren't you?
-Enough
-ok, already understood...I'm bothering you, I just came to give back your keys – her gaze is sad, very sad but inspires an addictive tenderness – goodbye Manuela
-I see her go...her walking is normal but at the same time it catches my attention or maybe not is the walked but she...Agh god why am I so complicated? Fine...I'll stay looking at her with a void in the center of my body for letting her go like that
Sometimes you don't feel like someone's presence fills you up just because they're there? Well, that woman who I don't even know her name managed to do it
-Don't let on that you're gay, of course – prepare a chistoso tone of voice – a gay man...what are you looking at the girl for? – I stopped next to him to look at her go – you can't see anything stupid, you don't see she has a sweater that covers her body because it's cold, or is it that you're so depraved for imagining her naked, do you like me that much, friend? – the cretin who thinks he's Persona Ja...I feel sorry for men like that
I give him a small tap on his shoulder and make a gesture of pity with my face – calm down, drink, because someday you'll find a woman who is good enough to prefer being with you even if you're like that – and point to all his body – ugly as one woman, already, already, already...take it easy, someone will come soon, impossible for anyone to pay attention to feelings now, or – I look at him with rage in my eyes – maybe if you have feelings? – when he was about to respond, I interrupted him – if you don't have them, you're in big trouble, friend...you'll have to live discharging all your frustration on lesbians who prefer a woman like that – and point to the girl who could be seen little by little through the fog – who prefers her over you, who have a nice day, chau
Don't turn back, I didn't see if he still had his face covered by a reddish color of anger or if it had already calmed down...
Damn miserable one? – that was all I could say about that type.
I arrived at my house and everything went normally, I managed to calm down and continue.
I had the idea of going back to the park tomorrow, something told me I should go...although let's be honest, it was for her...for that girl...who is beautiful...is lovely
And so it was, I arrived at the park at 5 o'clock in the afternoon, but I got there and forgot everything, all I could remember was her, she died My life crumbled I think I'm somewhat masochistic...
I was reading a book, it's very long but very interesting, I like to read...it even passions me, and thinking that I used to hate reading...
How ironic is life, or rather my life.
Concentrated, imagining everything that happens in the book, creating a scene that seems real, a shadow covers my face, I lift my gaze and see her**
Sami told me I needed to distract myself, studying was making me bitter and work even more...
But I don't agree, there's something else, I'm not happy with Santiago or my family, I don't know what's going on.
On Friday, I was finishing the maquette when she, my best friend who has been worrying about me more than usual, took me out of my house without telling me where we were going.
I let myself be taken, I didn't want to be there.
Everything starts from when Santiago told me he wanted to be with me sexually, it didn't seem strange to me, on the contrary, I was surprised he hadn't asked before.
The problem is that a month ago he said something like
'Hey, my mom will prepare lunch for you, she wants to invite you to eat, do you want to come?'
'I'll be there, Santiago, and tell your mom thanks in advance.'
That day I got dressed up more than usual – modesty aside – I was very pretty, I had been with Santiago for 5 months, I had met Martha his mother but never been as nervous as that day
I knocked on the door, shaking, my boyfriend opened it to me
'You're divine, Chris,' he gave me a long and slightly passionate kiss
'Thank you, love, and your mom? I brought these chocolates, I hope she likes them,' I said, pointing to the gift bag in my hands
'Ahh...' his expression changed slightly nervously... 'Come on, bebe'
'What's going on, Santi?' I asked innocently
'The truth is that I lied, my mom went out for a walk this weekend and I wanted to be alone with you,' he approached my kissing part of my lips shoulders and neck
I remained silent waiting to see what he was doing, it was taking off the wetsuit I had on without even looking at how I reacted to what he had said.
I was desperate feeling his agitation accelerate and his hands touching without shame and quickly all over my body
I moved away from him holding onto me, he didn't want to let go and only made signs for me to stay silent and just feel
And I wonder
To feel what?
Fear at seeing how my boyfriend changes from being the best in the world to becoming one like everyone else
It doesn't surprise me that we have sex, it bothers me that it's this way
I'm one of those girls who wants her first time to be beautiful, lovely but not this. I go back and push him away from me and he reacts violently, pushes me against the nearest wall and tears my blouse – is his effort so great?
-Santiago you're hurting me – I say scared
-Already shut up Cristina, all this time I've been behind you to be with you and you haven't wanted it, then if you don't want it by the good way do it like that momma – and he buries his tongue in my breast
I feel disgust, repulsion towards him. I try not to let tears show but can't hold them back
-Suicide me
-No
-Let me go Santiago
-No
-I put my hands on his chest and push him away with force a little bit from me, bend my knee and point it just at his testicles.
He kneels down and calls me a slut, tries to reach for me but I run away with my blouse torn already.
I don't want to get home, I don't want my dad to wake up ready to kill him and my mom not to believe me and still assure that he's a good boy.
I walk without knowing in which direction I'm going, only fix my gaze on the ground.
It doesn't take long for it to start raining – damn, damn...what a mess I needed – I whisper affectedly only to myself
I take shelter under a tree and lift my gaze, I'm in a park....I had passed by here several times but never entered it Everything is dark and silent, only the lights of the nearest houses are shining, and it sounds like someone practicing on their piano...
Wait...
Are they scaring me?
I hear someone talking, I'm looking for that person but can't find them...it's a woman, I can tell by her voice, she's feminine.
I react a bit more and turn around silently, it's a young woman of my age or so, she's reading something, she's very focused...
It's like she doesn't care that she's getting wet, that this is just...
Who will it be?
I've never seen her before
I don't want to interrupt her, I just sit on the opposite side and close my eyes, listening attentively to what she's reading, it's a poem...it's a bit sad, she looks sad, but at the same time it's pulling me in powerfully...
She says something like...
What is a lie?
A false truth or words that have no truth, then...
What is the truth?
Oh God...
What did you do to me??...
You lied...
And I still think about you...
Ugh...what a pathetic scene...
Remembering the moments we lived, puff...they were lovely, don't you know?
At least they were for me
Today I look up at the sky and it's dark...
Today your image appeared in my mind again...
If only you knew everything I feel, if you could imagine at least half of how much I love you...
To dream of being by your side, to forget that you never left my life, to want to think that when you arrived you would stay with me forever...
There are so many things I ask for that won't become reality...
It's a sad feeling, an immense void...
I sigh – I love you – whisper – I love you...
I love you
I wish I could just look at your eyes and discover if you love me or if you're indifferent to me...
Every moment...
Every instant...
I remember you...
You live in my heart and do you know?
Today I cry for you...
What is this damn poem about?
The suffering you make me feel...
Or the accepting that without you by my side, I'm not happy?
Now...
Who was to blame?
Total, what does it matter now?
You're...not here...
I dream and you're with me, awake and you're... Dreaming doesn't cost anything, it's true
The life is an inquisitorial sample of reality
I hope
That I hope?
Maybe the day you'll come back to see me
Or perhaps the hour to know that at least you're fine
Forget your name
How will that be possible?
If the day I met you; I tattooed it on my skin
Ah, who am I trying to deceive?
What I want to tell you is that... I MISS YOU
Yes, I need you
My life is dying while living without you
Feeling pain for the damn love
That as always
Gains the fight and I lose again
Words more or less
But do you know? I LOVE YOU
Only understand that I need you... please come back to me
It's like dedicating it to someone and wanting that person to be listening.
It's nice
Feeling her beside me without her knowing, relaxing music, closing my eyes and realizing I always go through this with men
Never any relationship worked out, always for a reason or another but never lasted more than 3 or 4 months if that
And the most curious thing is that I had never fallen in love – sigh – other relationships thrown away like trash, I don't feel good, not because of what Santiago did but because I don't feel good with myself.
So, a lot of time passes, I fall asleep.
I wake up scared, that girl isn't here anymore, I look at my clock 11:15 DEVILS!! My mom must be freaking out, I rush and in 10 minutes I arrive home, my mom tries to scold me but I don't pay attention. I just want to get to bed and rest.
That girl caught my attention, I liked her voice, her company calmed me down even from afar, so I kept going back to that park, saw her a couple more times, sometimes lucky, sometimes not.
I tried to approach her but something held me back, I felt nervous... scared
The curious thing about her is that she gets distracted so much from reality, it's like nothing else matters when there's nothing to bring... read, only dedicated to listening to music and watching people or just thinking
Today I go back again, don't see her – shrug my shoulders – this park relaxes me, it's different, it's distinct this place.
I pass an hour when I see her arrive, her face shows desolation, I follow her with my gaze, she sits on the bench where most of the time she does, wearing a classic beige jean, a white blouse, converse shoes in the same color as the blouse and a loose jacket-style sweater, her dark black hair is not too long, not too short, her eyes...I couldn't look at them fixedly.
It seems like she wants to cry
She looks so fragile
She gets up to tie her shoelaces and her keys fall out, then she walks...she doesn't realize she lost them.
She goes to a store and buys something that looks like an ice cream...now she's checking the pockets of her jacket and it seems like she can't find anything, I suppose she's looking for what I already have in my power.
I take 5 minutes to decide and approach her, at this moment she's giving me her back
-are you looking for this?
I show her the keys, she smiles...
She's beautiful, more than I thought
She thanks me, I try to play a little but it goes wrong...now I only know that her name is Manuela.
I go home a bit disoriented...it didn't matter, or maybe I was just telling the truth and wasn't in the mood – shrug my shoulders – I should already be satisfied, I've talked to her...I've met her, I've seen her eyes.
But no; on the contrary, I feel more curiosity
********
The next day I wake up, go to study....the truth is I don't pay attention for 5 minutes, I'm only thinking about her, Manuela.
She's such a strange girl, so different, so asocial like she'd be surprised by people, or maybe it's because I always see her alone
I get home at 2 pm, do some work and rest for a few minutes, which turn into approximately 2 hours
I organize myself, tell my mom I'll be back soon and head to the park...
Honestly, I didn't think I'd go she is only that I like to be there but for my surprise I see her...
Breathe...
And
I approach, shielding her from the sun with my body
-ho...la- whisper
She looks at me with a different gaze than what I'm used to being looked at by others - hi, how are you?
She smiled, thought she was going to ignore me
-bien and you?
-bien I invite you to come closer - I want to talk to you
My heart begins to beat violently and hastily
-cuentame- I appear calm and serene
-but what happens is that I wanted to apologize, yesterday I behaved Grotesque - smiled - as you said, what happens is that it wasn't my day and I didn't find anyone else to vent to
I laughed timidly, I'm sure I looked like a complete idiot - no problem, neither did you do anything wrong
She gives me her hand
I repair it and it's soft but very cold...
-now if I present myself as it is; my name is Manuela
-my name is Melanie, and the pleasure is mine
With her, I feel so safe...so protected...but at the same time so nervous
What's going on with this girl, do I like her?
-what age are you? - asks without giving much importance
-17 and you
-just as well
I couldn't hide it...my eyes were soon trapped by her deep gaze, I got nervous, she only managed to smile and I kept getting more visibly nervous.
I could repair her well, I loved her eyes, totally profound, clear...
Her smile was tender and seductive
And her lips...God, it's the best...
We talked about everything that afternoon, I learned a bit about her...and you know?
I call her attention more, she's interesting
She is a woman who is not like the others, she's different.
I try to make myself look silly for what I feel for her, but it's already getting a little hard to avoid.
How do I like a girl, a person of my own sex?
Did I become lesbian overnight?
She keeps talking to me and I don't know where the conversation is going...
I move my head trying to react a little and she notices it
-are you okay? – she asks me with sweetness
Her voice is so tender, so delicate – ah?
-what's wrong, are you feeling well?
-si, si... forgive me – I look at her blushing – what were you saying?
-you were asking if it was already dark and a bit late
Ahh perfect... that in a few words means I'm bored of being with you, maybe we can leave now?
-if you're right – I can't help but put on a serious face – then I'll go now
-do you have something wrong? – she asks me confused by my attitude
-nothing...
She shrugs her shoulders, gives me another smile and surprises me, telling me she wants to see me again.
***********************************
I saw her, until I finally saw her!!!...
She has a mysterious look that makes me call out to her more
Today I saw her, got to know something... it seems her name is Melanie, she lives with her parents and is single... damn!! And what do I care if she's alone or with someone else
Manuela, Manuela... don't go back to the same old thing again, you barely know her and already you like her?
-where do you live?
-a few blocks from here
-do you want me to accompany you?
-and you?
-nah... don't worry about me
She smiles – it's fine
We walk together, I look at her a bit and she has a lovely gait, very feminine... that's what I like.
-your studying?
-I ask her avoiding her gaze
Don't ask me why, because the truth is even I don't know
-if so, I'm in my final year and you?
-just... and how are things going for you?
-bien – she looks at me with her eyes and I can't help but blush...
In a few minutes we arrive at her house, mine isn't that far away, that's fine.
-will we see each other again? – she asks timidly
-only if you want
-then why did you ask me if you don't believe it?
-then... -she smiled a little – Ja, you're right...
I get a bit uncomfortable, I accompany her to my house and I don't know what else to say or how to say goodbye, so I opt for giving her a kiss on the cheek and thanking her again.
-I enter my house, my face... shows happiness...it seemed impossible to talk to her just a few days ago...and now...now I've done what I wanted...
I can't help but think of her, her words so discreetly ordered, her gestures...her mannerisms when she looks at me and gets a little nervous...she's pretty, I like...I like her company, being with her, feeling her by my side, I don't imagine having anything more.
*****************************************
-And what's her name?
My friends Andrés and María ask me...
-She's called Melanie
-Do you like her?
-I don't know
-Today we're going to play at your second house (they refer to the park)
-Ahhh that's great, why there?
-I don't know, we decided to go and rehearse there, see how it goes
-Ok – she smiled, I love the idea of the best band (even if it's just my favorite) playing in a place I love
I finish getting ready, perfect for the occasion
Blue jeans with worn-out holes, ehmmm white shirt a little wide but at the same time defining my figure, a pair of black Converse, loose hair...my natural face with a bit of makeup, I look in the mirror and smile...
I'm fine!!
I leave my house with them, they're nervous, today the producer who's been following them for weeks is going to see them perform in front of everyone, they handed out invitations all over the neighborhood...
And counting that with just friends already makes a lot of people.
My anxiety isn't so much because they're there or not – I should say- it's because I'm seeing Melanie.
*****************************************
I'm in my room, looking at the ceiling, God...how much I think about this girl, what did she do to me? Why can't I stop thinking about her?
Agh, that's not what worries me, it's the fact that a woman is calling my attention, when we talk, not just details, her eyes, but also her lips mmm I wanted to taste them, her legs crossed, even though they were covered with jeans, looked provocative...now when she stood up I saw her figure, ahh God...she is beautiful in every sense of the word.
- Are you going to dinner, girl?
- No, mom, I'm not hungry
- Hmm and today, aren't you going out? – a curious question
- I don't think so, why?
- Because there's a young woman at the door who came for you
I get up excited. Could it be her?
Noooooooooo, impossible, but I look out the window and if...it's Manuela!!
I put myself on autopilot, nervous, unable to hide in front of my mom, looking a bit confused by seeing my enthusiasm, walking around my room with a simple and stupid smile that I can't remove from my lips.
- What's going on? Don't you want her here?
- No, mom...please tell her to wait for 5 minutes, okay?
- And why not just let her in?
- Noooooooooooooo – I say almost in a scream – Look at me like this, no, no, no! Tell her I'll be right down
- Ok
I don't see her at the park. It's probably that she won't come today...
Curses!! I wanted to see her, better said... I WANT TO SEE HER
I resign myself and sigh deeply, trying to concentrate on my friends, but nah...it's impossible
- Do you know where I'm going?
- Where are you off to, Manu?
- To get her – smiled mischievously
- Who? Melanie?
- Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
I leave almost running, in about 15 minutes they start the semi-concert and there were already quite a few people.
I look myself up and down wondering if I'm okay – shrug my shoulders – what else can I do?
Until finally I arrive at her house, take a deep breath...my hands are sweaty
Damn it, I like it so much to put myself in this state? And she's not even here?
I shake my head – better leave, the most likely thing is that she already has plans.
When I turn around, a woman opens the door with a fairly pleasant appearance
I put her at about 35 years old, suppose she's Melanie's mom, she's lovely...attractive, well concentrate Manuela, you came here for the daughter, not the mom
- Hi – she says, trying to stop me from leaving
- Goodnight
- Who are you looking for?
- Is Melanie here?
- Yes – smiles – Who is looking for her? Don't tell her my name, just tell her please that I'm waiting here, okay? She nods with her head and tells me to wait. About 10 minutes later, when I hear her voice again... -hello...will continue...
Maybe overwhelmed?
Yes...also
Everything is going wrong for me
Or maybe not everything...the truth is she left me with a bitter taste, making nothing worth it now
And THINKING I'LL TRY TO KILL MYSELF FOR HER
Puff...it's so ridiculously extreme the love sometimes
God...what am I doing now?
I'm sitting on the same bench, watching everyone and not seeing anyone at the same time
Looking at so many people around me and feeling so alone...
It stinks
Really my life stinks
Well...
This park makes me feel like a little anímica
It makes me – for seconds – forget everything and not let myself feel so depressed
I get up, look for my keys...
I hadn't realized I lost them
-and where could they be agg what I was missing – I say annoyed
-are you looking for this? – I hear a delicate, sweet, tender, and very feminine voice speaking to me
I turn around and look at my keys...a moment
Which keys?
Better say I'm looking at the beautiful woman holding them
Brown hair, an angelic face without much makeup, wrapped in a scarf, dark pants, and boots
-ahh yes, thank you – I approach and receive them giving her a smile
-how are you called? – she asks directly – well if I can know it
I laugh timidly...why do I laugh timidly??? Oh God...Manuela wake up, wake up...
-Manuela and you?
-I won't tell you – she responds laughing
-oh this is fine anyway thank you – I turn around ready to leave
-why are you so rude - she stops me with her voice
-I'm not – I give her a face – it's just that today I don't find myself in very good mood, let's say
-You're doing well here, aren't you?
-Enough
-ok, already understood...I'm bothering you, I just came to give back your keys – her gaze is sad, very sad but inspires an addictive tenderness – goodbye Manuela
-I see her go...her walking is normal but at the same time it catches my attention or maybe not is the walked but she...Agh god why am I so complicated? Fine...I'll stay looking at her with a void in the center of my body for letting her go like that
Sometimes you don't feel like someone's presence fills you up just because they're there? Well, that woman who I don't even know her name managed to do it
-Don't let on that you're gay, of course – prepare a chistoso tone of voice – a gay man...what are you looking at the girl for? – I stopped next to him to look at her go – you can't see anything stupid, you don't see she has a sweater that covers her body because it's cold, or is it that you're so depraved for imagining her naked, do you like me that much, friend? – the cretin who thinks he's Persona Ja...I feel sorry for men like that
I give him a small tap on his shoulder and make a gesture of pity with my face – calm down, drink, because someday you'll find a woman who is good enough to prefer being with you even if you're like that – and point to all his body – ugly as one woman, already, already, already...take it easy, someone will come soon, impossible for anyone to pay attention to feelings now, or – I look at him with rage in my eyes – maybe if you have feelings? – when he was about to respond, I interrupted him – if you don't have them, you're in big trouble, friend...you'll have to live discharging all your frustration on lesbians who prefer a woman like that – and point to the girl who could be seen little by little through the fog – who prefers her over you, who have a nice day, chau
Don't turn back, I didn't see if he still had his face covered by a reddish color of anger or if it had already calmed down...
Damn miserable one? – that was all I could say about that type.
I arrived at my house and everything went normally, I managed to calm down and continue.
I had the idea of going back to the park tomorrow, something told me I should go...although let's be honest, it was for her...for that girl...who is beautiful...is lovely
And so it was, I arrived at the park at 5 o'clock in the afternoon, but I got there and forgot everything, all I could remember was her, she died My life crumbled I think I'm somewhat masochistic...
I was reading a book, it's very long but very interesting, I like to read...it even passions me, and thinking that I used to hate reading...
How ironic is life, or rather my life.
Concentrated, imagining everything that happens in the book, creating a scene that seems real, a shadow covers my face, I lift my gaze and see her**
Sami told me I needed to distract myself, studying was making me bitter and work even more...
But I don't agree, there's something else, I'm not happy with Santiago or my family, I don't know what's going on.
On Friday, I was finishing the maquette when she, my best friend who has been worrying about me more than usual, took me out of my house without telling me where we were going.
I let myself be taken, I didn't want to be there.
Everything starts from when Santiago told me he wanted to be with me sexually, it didn't seem strange to me, on the contrary, I was surprised he hadn't asked before.
The problem is that a month ago he said something like
'Hey, my mom will prepare lunch for you, she wants to invite you to eat, do you want to come?'
'I'll be there, Santiago, and tell your mom thanks in advance.'
That day I got dressed up more than usual – modesty aside – I was very pretty, I had been with Santiago for 5 months, I had met Martha his mother but never been as nervous as that day
I knocked on the door, shaking, my boyfriend opened it to me
'You're divine, Chris,' he gave me a long and slightly passionate kiss
'Thank you, love, and your mom? I brought these chocolates, I hope she likes them,' I said, pointing to the gift bag in my hands
'Ahh...' his expression changed slightly nervously... 'Come on, bebe'
'What's going on, Santi?' I asked innocently
'The truth is that I lied, my mom went out for a walk this weekend and I wanted to be alone with you,' he approached my kissing part of my lips shoulders and neck
I remained silent waiting to see what he was doing, it was taking off the wetsuit I had on without even looking at how I reacted to what he had said.
I was desperate feeling his agitation accelerate and his hands touching without shame and quickly all over my body
I moved away from him holding onto me, he didn't want to let go and only made signs for me to stay silent and just feel
And I wonder
To feel what?
Fear at seeing how my boyfriend changes from being the best in the world to becoming one like everyone else
It doesn't surprise me that we have sex, it bothers me that it's this way
I'm one of those girls who wants her first time to be beautiful, lovely but not this. I go back and push him away from me and he reacts violently, pushes me against the nearest wall and tears my blouse – is his effort so great?
-Santiago you're hurting me – I say scared
-Already shut up Cristina, all this time I've been behind you to be with you and you haven't wanted it, then if you don't want it by the good way do it like that momma – and he buries his tongue in my breast
I feel disgust, repulsion towards him. I try not to let tears show but can't hold them back
-Suicide me
-No
-Let me go Santiago
-No
-I put my hands on his chest and push him away with force a little bit from me, bend my knee and point it just at his testicles.
He kneels down and calls me a slut, tries to reach for me but I run away with my blouse torn already.
I don't want to get home, I don't want my dad to wake up ready to kill him and my mom not to believe me and still assure that he's a good boy.
I walk without knowing in which direction I'm going, only fix my gaze on the ground.
It doesn't take long for it to start raining – damn, damn...what a mess I needed – I whisper affectedly only to myself
I take shelter under a tree and lift my gaze, I'm in a park....I had passed by here several times but never entered it Everything is dark and silent, only the lights of the nearest houses are shining, and it sounds like someone practicing on their piano...
Wait...
Are they scaring me?
I hear someone talking, I'm looking for that person but can't find them...it's a woman, I can tell by her voice, she's feminine.
I react a bit more and turn around silently, it's a young woman of my age or so, she's reading something, she's very focused...
It's like she doesn't care that she's getting wet, that this is just...
Who will it be?
I've never seen her before
I don't want to interrupt her, I just sit on the opposite side and close my eyes, listening attentively to what she's reading, it's a poem...it's a bit sad, she looks sad, but at the same time it's pulling me in powerfully...
She says something like...
What is a lie?
A false truth or words that have no truth, then...
What is the truth?
Oh God...
What did you do to me??...
You lied...
And I still think about you...
Ugh...what a pathetic scene...
Remembering the moments we lived, puff...they were lovely, don't you know?
At least they were for me
Today I look up at the sky and it's dark...
Today your image appeared in my mind again...
If only you knew everything I feel, if you could imagine at least half of how much I love you...
To dream of being by your side, to forget that you never left my life, to want to think that when you arrived you would stay with me forever...
There are so many things I ask for that won't become reality...
It's a sad feeling, an immense void...
I sigh – I love you – whisper – I love you...
I love you
I wish I could just look at your eyes and discover if you love me or if you're indifferent to me...
Every moment...
Every instant...
I remember you...
You live in my heart and do you know?
Today I cry for you...
What is this damn poem about?
The suffering you make me feel...
Or the accepting that without you by my side, I'm not happy?
Now...
Who was to blame?
Total, what does it matter now?
You're...not here...
I dream and you're with me, awake and you're... Dreaming doesn't cost anything, it's true
The life is an inquisitorial sample of reality
I hope
That I hope?
Maybe the day you'll come back to see me
Or perhaps the hour to know that at least you're fine
Forget your name
How will that be possible?
If the day I met you; I tattooed it on my skin
Ah, who am I trying to deceive?
What I want to tell you is that... I MISS YOU
Yes, I need you
My life is dying while living without you
Feeling pain for the damn love
That as always
Gains the fight and I lose again
Words more or less
But do you know? I LOVE YOU
Only understand that I need you... please come back to me
It's like dedicating it to someone and wanting that person to be listening.
It's nice
Feeling her beside me without her knowing, relaxing music, closing my eyes and realizing I always go through this with men
Never any relationship worked out, always for a reason or another but never lasted more than 3 or 4 months if that
And the most curious thing is that I had never fallen in love – sigh – other relationships thrown away like trash, I don't feel good, not because of what Santiago did but because I don't feel good with myself.
So, a lot of time passes, I fall asleep.
I wake up scared, that girl isn't here anymore, I look at my clock 11:15 DEVILS!! My mom must be freaking out, I rush and in 10 minutes I arrive home, my mom tries to scold me but I don't pay attention. I just want to get to bed and rest.
That girl caught my attention, I liked her voice, her company calmed me down even from afar, so I kept going back to that park, saw her a couple more times, sometimes lucky, sometimes not.
I tried to approach her but something held me back, I felt nervous... scared
The curious thing about her is that she gets distracted so much from reality, it's like nothing else matters when there's nothing to bring... read, only dedicated to listening to music and watching people or just thinking
Today I go back again, don't see her – shrug my shoulders – this park relaxes me, it's different, it's distinct this place.
I pass an hour when I see her arrive, her face shows desolation, I follow her with my gaze, she sits on the bench where most of the time she does, wearing a classic beige jean, a white blouse, converse shoes in the same color as the blouse and a loose jacket-style sweater, her dark black hair is not too long, not too short, her eyes...I couldn't look at them fixedly.
It seems like she wants to cry
She looks so fragile
She gets up to tie her shoelaces and her keys fall out, then she walks...she doesn't realize she lost them.
She goes to a store and buys something that looks like an ice cream...now she's checking the pockets of her jacket and it seems like she can't find anything, I suppose she's looking for what I already have in my power.
I take 5 minutes to decide and approach her, at this moment she's giving me her back
-are you looking for this?
I show her the keys, she smiles...
She's beautiful, more than I thought
She thanks me, I try to play a little but it goes wrong...now I only know that her name is Manuela.
I go home a bit disoriented...it didn't matter, or maybe I was just telling the truth and wasn't in the mood – shrug my shoulders – I should already be satisfied, I've talked to her...I've met her, I've seen her eyes.
But no; on the contrary, I feel more curiosity
********
The next day I wake up, go to study....the truth is I don't pay attention for 5 minutes, I'm only thinking about her, Manuela.
She's such a strange girl, so different, so asocial like she'd be surprised by people, or maybe it's because I always see her alone
I get home at 2 pm, do some work and rest for a few minutes, which turn into approximately 2 hours
I organize myself, tell my mom I'll be back soon and head to the park...
Honestly, I didn't think I'd go she is only that I like to be there but for my surprise I see her...
Breathe...
And
I approach, shielding her from the sun with my body
-ho...la- whisper
She looks at me with a different gaze than what I'm used to being looked at by others - hi, how are you?
She smiled, thought she was going to ignore me
-bien and you?
-bien I invite you to come closer - I want to talk to you
My heart begins to beat violently and hastily
-cuentame- I appear calm and serene
-but what happens is that I wanted to apologize, yesterday I behaved Grotesque - smiled - as you said, what happens is that it wasn't my day and I didn't find anyone else to vent to
I laughed timidly, I'm sure I looked like a complete idiot - no problem, neither did you do anything wrong
She gives me her hand
I repair it and it's soft but very cold...
-now if I present myself as it is; my name is Manuela
-my name is Melanie, and the pleasure is mine
With her, I feel so safe...so protected...but at the same time so nervous
What's going on with this girl, do I like her?
-what age are you? - asks without giving much importance
-17 and you
-just as well
I couldn't hide it...my eyes were soon trapped by her deep gaze, I got nervous, she only managed to smile and I kept getting more visibly nervous.
I could repair her well, I loved her eyes, totally profound, clear...
Her smile was tender and seductive
And her lips...God, it's the best...
We talked about everything that afternoon, I learned a bit about her...and you know?
I call her attention more, she's interesting
She is a woman who is not like the others, she's different.
I try to make myself look silly for what I feel for her, but it's already getting a little hard to avoid.
How do I like a girl, a person of my own sex?
Did I become lesbian overnight?
She keeps talking to me and I don't know where the conversation is going...
I move my head trying to react a little and she notices it
-are you okay? – she asks me with sweetness
Her voice is so tender, so delicate – ah?
-what's wrong, are you feeling well?
-si, si... forgive me – I look at her blushing – what were you saying?
-you were asking if it was already dark and a bit late
Ahh perfect... that in a few words means I'm bored of being with you, maybe we can leave now?
-if you're right – I can't help but put on a serious face – then I'll go now
-do you have something wrong? – she asks me confused by my attitude
-nothing...
She shrugs her shoulders, gives me another smile and surprises me, telling me she wants to see me again.
***********************************
I saw her, until I finally saw her!!!...
She has a mysterious look that makes me call out to her more
Today I saw her, got to know something... it seems her name is Melanie, she lives with her parents and is single... damn!! And what do I care if she's alone or with someone else
Manuela, Manuela... don't go back to the same old thing again, you barely know her and already you like her?
-where do you live?
-a few blocks from here
-do you want me to accompany you?
-and you?
-nah... don't worry about me
She smiles – it's fine
We walk together, I look at her a bit and she has a lovely gait, very feminine... that's what I like.
-your studying?
-I ask her avoiding her gaze
Don't ask me why, because the truth is even I don't know
-if so, I'm in my final year and you?
-just... and how are things going for you?
-bien – she looks at me with her eyes and I can't help but blush...
In a few minutes we arrive at her house, mine isn't that far away, that's fine.
-will we see each other again? – she asks timidly
-only if you want
-then why did you ask me if you don't believe it?
-then... -she smiled a little – Ja, you're right...
I get a bit uncomfortable, I accompany her to my house and I don't know what else to say or how to say goodbye, so I opt for giving her a kiss on the cheek and thanking her again.
-I enter my house, my face... shows happiness...it seemed impossible to talk to her just a few days ago...and now...now I've done what I wanted...
I can't help but think of her, her words so discreetly ordered, her gestures...her mannerisms when she looks at me and gets a little nervous...she's pretty, I like...I like her company, being with her, feeling her by my side, I don't imagine having anything more.
*****************************************
-And what's her name?
My friends Andrés and María ask me...
-She's called Melanie
-Do you like her?
-I don't know
-Today we're going to play at your second house (they refer to the park)
-Ahhh that's great, why there?
-I don't know, we decided to go and rehearse there, see how it goes
-Ok – she smiled, I love the idea of the best band (even if it's just my favorite) playing in a place I love
I finish getting ready, perfect for the occasion
Blue jeans with worn-out holes, ehmmm white shirt a little wide but at the same time defining my figure, a pair of black Converse, loose hair...my natural face with a bit of makeup, I look in the mirror and smile...
I'm fine!!
I leave my house with them, they're nervous, today the producer who's been following them for weeks is going to see them perform in front of everyone, they handed out invitations all over the neighborhood...
And counting that with just friends already makes a lot of people.
My anxiety isn't so much because they're there or not – I should say- it's because I'm seeing Melanie.
*****************************************
I'm in my room, looking at the ceiling, God...how much I think about this girl, what did she do to me? Why can't I stop thinking about her?
Agh, that's not what worries me, it's the fact that a woman is calling my attention, when we talk, not just details, her eyes, but also her lips mmm I wanted to taste them, her legs crossed, even though they were covered with jeans, looked provocative...now when she stood up I saw her figure, ahh God...she is beautiful in every sense of the word.
- Are you going to dinner, girl?
- No, mom, I'm not hungry
- Hmm and today, aren't you going out? – a curious question
- I don't think so, why?
- Because there's a young woman at the door who came for you
I get up excited. Could it be her?
Noooooooooo, impossible, but I look out the window and if...it's Manuela!!
I put myself on autopilot, nervous, unable to hide in front of my mom, looking a bit confused by seeing my enthusiasm, walking around my room with a simple and stupid smile that I can't remove from my lips.
- What's going on? Don't you want her here?
- No, mom...please tell her to wait for 5 minutes, okay?
- And why not just let her in?
- Noooooooooooooo – I say almost in a scream – Look at me like this, no, no, no! Tell her I'll be right down
- Ok
I don't see her at the park. It's probably that she won't come today...
Curses!! I wanted to see her, better said... I WANT TO SEE HER
I resign myself and sigh deeply, trying to concentrate on my friends, but nah...it's impossible
- Do you know where I'm going?
- Where are you off to, Manu?
- To get her – smiled mischievously
- Who? Melanie?
- Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
I leave almost running, in about 15 minutes they start the semi-concert and there were already quite a few people.
I look myself up and down wondering if I'm okay – shrug my shoulders – what else can I do?
Until finally I arrive at her house, take a deep breath...my hands are sweaty
Damn it, I like it so much to put myself in this state? And she's not even here?
I shake my head – better leave, the most likely thing is that she already has plans.
When I turn around, a woman opens the door with a fairly pleasant appearance
I put her at about 35 years old, suppose she's Melanie's mom, she's lovely...attractive, well concentrate Manuela, you came here for the daughter, not the mom
- Hi – she says, trying to stop me from leaving
- Goodnight
- Who are you looking for?
- Is Melanie here?
- Yes – smiles – Who is looking for her? Don't tell her my name, just tell her please that I'm waiting here, okay? She nods with her head and tells me to wait. About 10 minutes later, when I hear her voice again... -hello...will continue...
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